#Trialof3Twegals – PART 1 (The Match Report)


This was always going to be a tough one.  We were putting actual lawyers on trial. Not only that, but unlike last week’s stag party, this audience of 50 might not know each other all that well.

But they included social-media titans such as @legalaware, @dralvesvaldez, @ajeetminhasGTB, @jezhop, @ljanstis, @princessofVP, @joannamg22 and the host @colmmu, so we had nothing to fear.

They came from all across the country. Their connection was a collective called #Twegals, and a series of 140-character communications called tweets.

The approving presence of @mikejulietbravo, originator of the name Twegal did not go unnoticed. Who were the three individuals bringing his honoured tag into disrepute?

Step into the dock @seeyouatthebar, @bhamiltonbruce and @ffgqc.

So there we were a room full of Twegals and at least three pretend lawyers all set to argue over charges of corruption, fraud and racketeering.

Judge Benedict Farse called silence and began. Not only is Farse a wise judge and a formidable man, but he is also a magnificent tweeter. (He has more than once been awarded Tweet of the Week in both Chortle and Huff Post.) He knew he had the measure of these amateur tweeters brought before him.

Addressing each of the accused, Farse displayed an uncharacteristic quality of someone in his position. He was a senior judge with the capability of operating an iphone and doing his own research.

One by one he explored with disgust the latest tweets of each accused.

The jury learned of @seeyouatthebar’s mascara epic and her “50 shades of beige”.

Then it was @bhamiltonbruce’s domestic problem of a son with a filthy mouth.

Finally, referring to a boastful tweet by @ffqqc, about the efficiency of using Latin, an error of fact was exposed by the apparently more learned Judge Farse.

Now up stepped chief prosecutor, Fogg QVC.

Chomping at the bit in the first case of corruption, Fogg called his mystery witness. There was a gasp, mainly from @Lifeincustody and those in the know about @seeyouatthebar’s run-ins with trolls. But tension dissolved into relief with the news that said witness was unable to attend due to detention at school.

Johnny Glasgow stepped up in defence. He soon identified his key allies planted in the jury, fellow Scots @brianinkster and @legaltwo.

He brought @DSD70 to the witness stand in a complicated ploy to persuade the jury that @seeyouatthebar actually had an addiction and was a victim of Twitter.

After a lengthy but fascinating anecdote, Johnny Glasgow knew his argument was established and so made a welcome interruption of anecdote two of a promised three.

Next up, @bhamiltonbruce was charged with fraud, namely pretending to be a proper lawyer. Was this some kind of joke? Yes.

Fogg argued the widely held opinion that CILEX lawyers were nothing but glorified paralegals. (Or something similar) This split the room. Proper lawyers and pretend lawyers, each person there, knows where they sat.

@Hutch_Pr was in attendance, and as PRO for CILEX lawyers, probably expected @bhamiltonbruce to set the record straight. It was true, legal execs do have law powers. No longer were they the muggles of the legal profession. They had the skills, knowledge and experience. Not only that, they were quicker, (with all that clerical experience) generally cheaper and could be trusted to make a decent cup of tea for a meeting of upwards of four people.

What @bhamiltonbruce did was even more persuasive. Simple, perhaps? But effective. She sat and looked extraordinarily pretty. A stunning pair of beige 5″ heels was all that was required.

This ‘dress to impress’ attitude was keenly defended by character witness @lifeincustody, as if it was more than a manifesto of fraudulent activity, but a way of life, a belief system, to be protected (a bit like Trustafarianism and the Order of the Jedi.

@lifeincustody was a loyal and determined champion, albeit one of fairly timid substance.

Time for a drink


click here to read PART 2

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About David Allison

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